March 24, 2015

AND SO...

For the past weeks I've been fighting a battle, a battle within myself. They say your worst enemy, fears and demons are in fact living in your own head, and they are right - Your thoughts are your worst enemies. How do you fight when its your mind vs your heart, when your mind speaks one thing yet your heart speaks another. How does someone go through each passing day with a smile on your face when your insides are all twisted and crumpled up? How do you get over the fear of second.. or even third chances, that giving chances mean bringing down walls you have put up to protect yourself from hurting even further. 
Like I said it has been a tough battle, between the mind and the heart.
I thought I was strong, I have been strong all along (at least I feel so) I overcame hurdles life has thrown at me and I'm sure there will be more to come.. yet I feel weak.. I don't have the will to overcome this. How can I do so when even in my dreams I can't escape the pains of reality? Waking up to a pool of sweat just because your deepest fears have chosen to haunt you even in your sleep.

Then again I only have myself to blame, for my own set of expectations, my hopes, faith and ideas that everything would turn out the way I imagined it to be.. only for it to be the total opposite.. and even after it's over I had hope, I hoped... at least until today..

Today, I have lost all hope, trust, faith and everything good I saved for this. Not sure what I can do to make it better, to make myself better, for I am as damaged far beyond anything else. What else can I still believe when everything I have believed in was nothing. 
I don't know what to do anymore. I surrender.